By: Debra Grant, Tender Care, Inc.
Mom and Dad are getting on in years and aren’t quite as sharp as they once were. Mom broke her hip last year, and Dad can drive no longer. You would like to do more, but you live 2,000 miles away with a family of your own.
Situations like this are becoming increasingly common. In fact, there is a name for people squeezed between demands of their children and their aging parents – the “Sandwich Generation”. I failed to mention that the person in this scenario is a man, an only child. In the past decade, a greater number of men have filled the role of “caregiver.”
According to the Alzheimer’s Association and the National Alliance for Caregiving, men make up 40 percent of family care providers, up from 19 percent in a 1996 study. This equates to about 17 million men who are caring for older adults.
Dr. Donna Benton, a professor in gerontology at the University of Southern California, says that men have fewer lifelines. Men are less likely to have friends going through a similar experience. “That’s the harder part for men, to find someone to talk to. For men it becomes more stressful because they can’t talk about it.”
Many men ask themselves: “Am I qualified for this? What happens when I have to bathe her?” Peter Nicholson, who quit his job and moved in with his mother when she had a stroke, says, “I’m not squeamish about bathing mom; it’s the weirdness that permeates our relationship. She doesn’t know if I’m her husband, her boyfriend or her neighbor. She just knows she trusts me, but it’s weird how the oldest son becomes the spouse.” Role reversal almost always happens when adult children care for elderly parents: however, it is more difficult for men to deal with.
Nearly 20 percent of the American workforce is caring for elderly parents. Some big corporations have taken note and started offering benefits to help employees care for their aging parents. But so far, workers in general have been slow to use these corporate eldercare benefits for fear of being passed over for promotions because they wouldn’t be seen as giving a 110 percent.
Some men worry about the conflict between their care for parents and their responsibilities as fathers and breadwinners. A study at three Fortune 500 companies found men are less likely to use employee assistance programs. They fear their need would be held against them. The company may have endorsed the program, but immediate supervisors may have a different opinion.
As the family changes, men have had to adapt. Now more and more men are becoming the primary care givers for aging parents. Family members in the US are providing $257 billion in free care for older people, and increasingly, it’s being handled by men. A study by the Families and Work Institute found working men are almost as likely as working women to provide care for an older relative. The problem is that many men don’t talk about their increased responsibilities, resulting in many employers not realizing this is an issue that may cut across their entire workforce.