By: Wayne Abraham, Executive Director, Personal Care Inc.
When cold weather comes and families gather for the various holidays, they have a chance to visit with parents whom they may not have seen for a while. Talking to them on the phone is good, but most likely, when you ask how they are doing, you get the, “I’m fine.” Answer, even when you suspect that some things are not “fine.”
For many adults with aging parents, this is the start of a difficult journey. Now they have to do the parenting, and it isn’t easy. More often than not, the actual work of making arrangements and taking care of parents falls on a female member of the family: a daughter, granddaughter, or daughter-in-law while the person with Power of Attorney is a son or a grandson. This can make for an interesting family dynamic that only adds to the complication of getting one’s parents to take steps to ensure their safety and well-being.
The challenge that occurs most often is getting aging parents to make changes. You know that they need some help at home, but they refuse it. You know they shouldn’t be driving, but they insist upon it. You realize they aren’t eating healthy meals or drinking enough water, but they don’t want to go to the trouble of cooking meals and don’t want to get up to go to the bathroom frequently.
What do you do? My own mother half jokingly referred to me as “The Boss” because I was insisting on her doing exactly these things. I had to work very hard to get her to accept gradually some assistance at home. First, an aide came in two days a week, then three, then four, then six days weekly. It took months to make that progression, and I got an argument every step of the way, even though she was happy with her aide and enjoyed spending time with her!
Then came the arguments about too much salt in her diet, I had to become “The Soup Nazi” and prevent it from being sneaked into the house because her kidneys couldn’t take it. Or make sure that ketchup wasn’t in the home or orange juice. Fortunately, chocolate was not forbidden! But what you will see is that your parents want more and more unhealthy foods, especially sweets. They will consume those sweet carbohydrates and skip the protein foods.
But you can’t let it get to you, even when you become “The Boss.” Because this is our duty to our parents; they took care of us, now we have to take of them. Making sure they are as safe and as comfortable as we can manage is the goal. You won’t win every argument; for those whose parents have dementia, expect to have to repeat yourself. Be sure to take a break when you need it. Share responsibilities when you can. It will be better for them and for you.