By Cheryl Farkas
More than ever families are finding themselves in caretaking roles for their aging parents, sometimes with little to no preparation or experience. It just so happens that women, who have always been caregivers in a family, are taking the leading role again.
Whether you choose to help, have been chosen to help, or step in because it’s the right thing to do, 90 percent of caregivers for aging parents are the daughters of the family, 5 percent are sons and the other 5 percent are friends or other relatives such as nieces, or professional caregivers where there is no family to help in caregiving or relocation decisions. After interviewing many certified Senior Move Managers from around the country, we at Home To Home have found that the percentages are close to the same from state to state.
In the past 50 to 60 years, just as women have gradually crawled out of traditional and expected roles and responsibilities as major caregivers, a Cornell University study reports, mothers aged 65 and up are almost four times more likely to expect a daughter, rather than a son, to be their caregiver if they become sick or disabled.
Culture and family dynamics play major roles in these decisions and all are so varied. Circumstances differ, yet one thing remains the same, as Nancy Harney, a senior move manager from Smooth Transitions in Sarasota, Florida says, “Women are more of the organizers of the family.” While daughters do a lot of the detailed work, son’s focus on more of the lighter side of caregiving duty like casual conversations, entertainment, running errands and making minor purchases to contribute. Not to say all sons contribute the same or contribute less or not at all, just that the majority stay away from some of the more intimate details of caregiving. Donna Christner Life, from CLC Senior Move Managers in Pleasanton, California, says, “Mothers and daughters relate and are expected to relate in a much more intimate and natural way and some daughters just won’t relinquish responsibility to a brother. Maybe because sisters remember how brothers kept their room as children.” Donna says, “Like my mother, Alta Christner, who is 98 always says, ‘A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter the rest of her life.’”
Whether aging parents are moving into or out of a retirement community, assisted living, nursing home or a family home, Home To Home can be a catalyst. Senior Move Manager Jos Jansen says, “We know how difficult these decisions are for families and siblings. We have met some wonderful people who do a great job in organizing their parents’ care and transitions. We are honored to be a part of this time in their lives.”